2806 Reynolda Road, # 211
Winston-Salem, NC 27106
(336) 499-1977
colleen@byersmediation.com
Do you ever dismiss someone’s belief because you know – beyond any shadow of a doubt - that it’s wrong?
Do you ever write someone off without wondering what forms the basis of their belief?
It’s easy to do. We are all moving in a million different directions.
You see, I almost did that to our 6-year-old daughter. The topic was minor but if I dismiss her on minor things, will she feel safe enough to come to me about major things? Here’s what happened:
On the way to dropping her off for the first day of first grade, I asked the typical question,
“How are you feeling about the first day of school?”
Part of her reply was to inform me that she's sitting all alone in the classroom. Because we had recently been to open house and I saw the desks arranged in clusters of three, I immediately responded,
"No, you're not, there are two other desks near you." She said, "those are kids from last year who are in 2nd grade now."
I couldn't understand how on earth she had drawn that conclusion. Rather than tell her she was absolutely wrong (old litigator habits die hard), I asked her what led her to think that. She explained that, when we were in her classroom for open house, the two desks closest to her did not have bubbles on them like hers had.
"Oh!" I said (light bulb turning on), "those children must have already come to open house before we arrived, and they took their bubbles with them. You're not going to be sitting alone, sweetie."
I could have (and almost did) dismiss my daughter’s conclusion as completely without merit. As a litigator, I frequently dismissed things that clients and opposing counsel said because I was in possession of facts or evidence that clearly contradicted their narrative. As a mediator, I know that one of the most important ways I can provide value to the dispute resolution process is to wonder why someone is saying something or what leads them to draw a certain conclusion.
It is only when we are curious that we begin to scratch the surface of what is really going on underneath. It is only when we leave plenty of room for wonder that we can uncover the thoughts, the perspectives, and the narratives of someone else. What we may immediately react to as wholly unfounded is usually rooted in something, somewhere deep along the causal chain. If we can keep our judging and dismissing at bay long enough to allow wonder to work its magic, we just might find the key that unlocks the door to a resolution.